Did you really expect me to give you a picture of my neighbour’s washing line with clothes on it? I nearly did, but these things have a habit of backfiring. You can bet that it would be on my screen if she were to come around.

Neighbour comes round for a bowl of sugar and sees screen -

“Isn’t that my gar..........hey, that’s my washing line. Are you the guy that has been stealing my underwear?”

No, I don’t steal underwear, but that is exactly what I mean. It would be just my luck if she had been losing garments from her line and then she finds me in possession of an incriminating photo.

It would be like the time that graffiti was discovered in the local park the day after I had sprayed my bike. Yes, it was a very similar metallic blue, but it wasn’t me. And, more importantly, I had nothing against Gayle Church, and I very much doubt that she is, or ever was, “a slag”.

However, having blue paint on my left index finger was all that was necessary to convict me, and her older sister pushed me in to a patch of stinging nettles. I was wearing shorts and a T-shirt at the time. I wonder if either of them are on Facebook?